We started ordinarily, girl meets boy, boy meets girl and the whole relationship was more of friends and lovers and later business partners. As days passed by, there was nothing but a friendly love for a friend. Confused if I love you or I love you because of another one’s memory. Until time came, I have fallen in love with you. I was contented that way. I never expected you to love me in return and loving me in return was the last thing I ever wanted from you. Even so, the love was too real, when time came and you fell in love with me. Though most part of it was painful and submerged in confusion, I do not want to end it with harsh words. I want to end it calmly, knowing that painful as it is, loving you has nothing but sweet memories.

I often wonder why I loved you. I never could find a specific answer. I guess love knows no logic. It just happens. I am happy it happened between you and me.

We had our differences. You were always there ready to say you’re sorry and I was always there to forgive. I tried my best to understand you, your ways, the way you are, your culture though most of the time I don’t really know anything about it. I tried to understand the situation that I am not the only one in your heart because it was a shocking news for me when you told me that you were having a girlfriend and worst bringing her at the office. I was asking myself how can this be happening to me? As we went on, I came to know you better and each day I learned more of you and they gave me an insight of who you really are, but nothing have given me a better understanding of you than being with you in person feeling your presence and just taking each day at a time. Facing the problems as they come and having short moments of caring together.

I do not know if I will believe you when you said you love me so much because you never showed it when I was there --- how can you, when you cannot even remember every minute detail of how our love happened or little things that make up the love I have for you. Still, I would like to believe that, even just for this time, you did really love me that much.

I understand that you have commitments (all the never ending problems in the office) and obligations (to pay the refunds). I also understand that you are busy but unlike me I do find time to send you messages even when I am in meetings or whatever I am busy with. I find time to talk to you and say good morning, good afternoon or goodnight even for no reason at all, even if it is time for me to sleep I still find time to wait for you online or your call when you promise that you will call me but sometimes I think, you just forget that I exist. I tried to be one of the important persons in your life, but I have accepted the fact that I only come after the problems, the business and whatever you are busy with.

I have also accepted that we don’t belong. No one, seems to accept us in this world. It hurts to know that you have to hide our relationship back there, but I think this is God’s way for us. Loving each other and then the goodbyes. I am not for you and you are not for me. I am just me. I guess I was bound to be alone.

I admit that a part of me is angry and bitter as much as I try to understand the situation you are in. I just cannot comprehend why I have fallen for you? My family and friends always tell me that there are so many fish in the ocean but the heart does not fall in love that easily. There were times when I cry alone in despair asking all the questions why. But deep in my heart, I still try to understand why. I know family is important, business is important, commitments are to be fulfilled but this has kept me aside and just being the other woman of all your commitments.

You keep on telling me that there is hope but with a mind and heart so confused what would you like me to do? I am left in the dark, no assurance except the love you told me, confused of how I am suppose to go on like this.

I find it hard to believe in fate but as they say: fate is the road which you took to avoid it. And if you choose not to let go of me, where will this love bring us? For how long can we hold on, how long will we be together? But you are chained to your commitment and we have to abide by that or you will end up locked up it a cell which I will not be able to accept and I am left with nothing but a love as you say between us. And I have to admit to myself that your future is more important rather than my importance. It is a glaring fact that I tried to ignore. Many times, I felt that I was nothing but a woman who is just there to love you. You have made promises you didn’t keep and I have never taken them against you as you do. A simple phone call can’t even be fulfilled most of the time. And even if that was frustrating and has made me feel like a fool, I always wait.

I am holding on to love and until now I still do because I am deeply in love with you. But as we see, there is no more reason for me to stay and fight at it is hopeless to do so. There is nothing for me to hold on to. I cannot go on staying knowing there will never be you and me again. it is just a love between two people who only thought of being together and never saw that parting will come cruelly, two people who never meant to fall in love.

It is ironic that you are the source of happiness and also the source of immense sadness and utmost pain.

Countless times I have smiled with just the thought of you. The memory of your face I keep dearly in my heart and every little thing that you do. I smile when I recall those times when we were together or our talks on the phone and record them and sometimes you just hate it when I keep on recalling and reminiscing.

Imagining you and me together, free from everything, free to show our love for each other but that is only good for imaginations and they can never be true. I could be in the middle of a crowd but my mind and heart are far away, in a special place where you are the center of the world.

The night is always the hardest time because it is the time wherein loneliness attacks me, where thoughts of you bothers me that one day I have to wake up from this dream and face reality. I try to keep busy during the day doing all my work and stuff. But when I lay down in bed and the darkness surrounds me, thoughts of you come. And I smile sadly as I realize that it is the time I used to spend talking with you in our room or on your mobile but now, nothing is left but memories.

I remember a time when I got jealous. It broke my heart but that is only for a time and I knew that I haven’t the slightest right to feel so and it passed away because she came early in your life and I was late. Never that green-eyed monster will come to conquer my poor soul. How unfair it is that I came late in your life. The chance I wanted so much to be there but we haven’t known each other then. Maybe, just maybe I could have been in her place but knowing your culture and all that I know it was never bound to happen.

I have spent a lot of times crying over you, sulking in one corner because you were angry at me or I was disappointed because you forgot all about me or you forgot to call me due to reasons that are not in your hands. Those countless times I always think of how you are, where you are and what you are doing, if you thought of me even for just a moment. There were those times when I know you are busy with work or your friends are there and I will patiently wait for you. Sometimes waiting for hours makes me hopeless and restless. You don’t even know how hard it is to face the fact that should anything happen to you I am not there to take care of you and I don’t even know if someone will tell me? I am of no existence in your world for you have kept our relationship a secret and if ever they happen to know about me I don’t know who will be hated and cursed, you or me.

All I wanted to do is to love you freely, communicate with you the way I wanted to but I can’t do that. I have to think of the people around you. I have to deny myself the happiness of sending across the love I have in my heart because they might see it and that will ruin your reputation.

I might have given you the impression that everything is ok but deep down inside I am hurting. My surface may tell you that everything is fine? but that is only the surface, beneath lies the real feeling of confusion, fear and aloneness.

Keep in mind, that only you can wipe away the tears in my eyes, only you can fill the emptiness in my heart and only you can make me feel alive. Every time you try to understand me and show me that you care your coming into my life has breathe life into me. I wanted you to know how important you are to me. Yes, it is strange and too complicated to comprehend why am I giving up. There are reasons behind and we cannot do anything about them. Believe me, all I wanted to do is love you with all my heart but my heart isn’t enough to save you from all the troubles. And I am giving it to you, for you to keep.

Don’t ever think that I feel good doing this or writing this. Saying goodbye. There is nothing more painful than goodbyes. I have nothing much to loose and you do.

Please don’t ever try to talk this out with me again. Let go and accept. You know me too well just one word and my heart will melt and there goes our story again. There is nothing for you and me in this world. It may be God’s way to love each other and I think it is also the time for us to accept that giving you up is also His way.

Live on. You have your dreams, fulfill them. Take care of the business, Babu, Mamu and your family. I have yet to learn to live again, first. We are still business partners and let it remain that way. There is no more time for us to meet again even in the future or life after death.

Say goodbye to the love we have and keep in mind that as long as you have my heart it will always love you. And if time will come I ask you to return it back please don’t be selfish to give it back so I can live again. Don’t deny me the life I need to have.