I cant let go. I just couldnt do it. Not on my own. Not like this. I found reasons beyond reason to keep myself from letting it go. To keep it like a secret tucked away in my pocket. It had been a tug of war I wasnt ready to lose. I wasnt ready to let go the rope and except it was gone. Instead I kept pulling till there were scars on my palms. Scars I'd tried to hide. But they showed. I could feel them. Everywhere. Even when I smiled I could feel them. Denial's like a big hole in the wall. You cover it up with a pretty picture so thats all you see. All you have to look at. An evil trick you play on yourself. Even when the picture starts to look a little crooked, you ignore it. Walk right past it. Till one night it falls off the wall and you cant. And there it is. A big fucking hole just staring at you. The choice isnt there any longer. You have to look at it, except it, take it for what it is. And its amazing when even the actual visual is not enough. You pretend
its not there, not yours, or that you dont even know it got there, how it happened.
Denying denial is putting that picture up again and again. Covering up the same hole. The same hole that keeps getting bigger, scarier, deeper, uglier.You need to stop being afraid. Afraid to let go of the rope. Let go of the pretty picture you had once painted inside your head.
Because you cant hide whats really there.